I got home from my mother’s funeral yesterday and have spent the day today getting my house squared away. I had to leave to be with my mom before she passed followed by my mother’s funeral immediately after Cassidy’s funeral (I would recommend people not lose their wife and their mother within a month, it isn’t fun). One side effect of this timing is that I have not been able to clean out my house. Allow me to explain, and please excuse the disjointed nature of this post. Today was a blur of disconnected thoughts, and that is reflected in this post.

I woke up this morning after being in a really good, deep, sleep for the first time since Cassidy passed away. This was a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I desperately needed that sleep. On the other hand, in the moments between dreaming and waking reality get fuzzy. As I was waking up, I instinctively reached across the bed to hold Cassidy. The emptiness of the king-size bed hit me pretty hard. I realized in waking that today was going to a hard, but productive, day.

Taking a shower and still seeing Cassidy’s soaps and things still in the shower. Cassidy’s makeup, toothbrush, and lotions still next to her sink. Cassidy’s nightgown still hanging on the closet door. Cassidy’s medications and supplements next to the kitchen sink. Cassidy’s purse hanging up in the hall closet, untouched.

Today I have had to focus on all the little things, the tokens of Cassidy living here. Clearing these things out isn’t about erasing Cassidy. It’s about coming to terms with the fact that Cassidy doesn’t live here anymore. Whatever normal will be going forward, it will not include having Cassidy around. I need to accept that, and I need to move forward.