There were two events which demonstrated to me how much my social standing has changed. The first was about two weeks ago, and the second was last night.

When my siblings and I were visiting with my mother before she passed, we had the opportunity to connect with many people we have known over the years. One such person was a good friend of my brother. This friend and his girlfriend invited my brother and his wife to dinner so they could catch up. They also invited me to go.

When we got to the restaurant, it was a beautiful early summer evening, and we decided to request a table on the patio. The hostess informed up that all the tables on the patio were 4 tops. That is when it hit me. I was the fifth wheel. I suggested that the two couples enjoy their dinner on the patio and I would eat at the bar with the other loners. Ultimately, they decided that we could all crowd in around the 4 top.

being the person in the group without a spouse or partner was awkward. My brother and his wife have helped me immensely from the moment I realized Cassidy was dead, and I am comfortable around them, but I am also self conscious about intruding on couples activities. This leads to the events of last night.

My church sponsored a ‘soup social’ event for the adults in the congregation. Tables were set up in the church gym and people brought a wide variety of soups. I attended the event to support those who worked hard to put it on. Unfortunately, this was a very difficult day for me. I had just finished cleaning out Cassidy’s personal effects from around the house, and was an emotional mess.

I stood at the side of gym, and stared at the tables, each filled with couples talking and laughing. I could not see anywhere I could sit where I would not be the single guy intruding on a couples activity. I was on the verge of tears and was honestly about to leave when the Bishop’s wife came and talked to me. She invited me to the table where she and her husband, the Bishop, were sitting. Ok, she literally dragged me to their table. They provide good company and good conversation. The Bishop would not let me leave or sulk, and he insisted that I had to get a slice of homemade pie. I was grateful for their support, but I am not sure I will be able to handle social events going forward.

While I don’t think anyone is trying to exclude single people, so much of the social engagement in society is centered around the couple, and single people at best don’t fit in, and at worst may be seen as a threat to an insecure spouse. I am simply not ready to try to navigate these uncharted waters. I recognize that being a recluse could be detrimental, but also realize that trying to be social is awkward for everyone involved. The obvious answer is to engage socially with other singles, but that is a bridge I am just not ready to cross. For now, I will go with the recluse option, let’s hope that is the right decision.