I have a Master’s degree. I bring that up only to point out that I have had to take final exams many, many times. Typically, I will spend the weeks leading up to finals staying up late studying, reading, and preparing for the test. I have the ability to focus intensely and have always done very well in my courses. The result of this focus and sleepless study has been a dramatic crash after finals ended. I often got sick, and usually ended up sleeping a lot when I could.

In the 41 days since Cassidy died, I have been keeping quite busy, and in many ways it felt like the lead up to finals. After Cassidy’s funeral, I had one really rough ‘post finals’ day, but then I had to go to my mother’s funeral, so I shoved all the feels back down, drank a big glass of Suckitup, and got back to work. Now, both my wife and my mother are memorialized and their remains dispositioned. As I got home from my mother’s funeral, I have felt like I stepped into the empty.

I spent this past weekend getting my wife’s clothing and toiletries cleared out of the house. Yesterday was the first day of my new ‘normal’, and I am exhausted. It feels like the end of finals. I am finally able to sleep at least 6 hours per night, but now I am dragging all day. I honestly can’t remember a time when I have been this completely exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I will try to muddle through this week and try to sleep hard over this weekend. Maybe next week will be better. Now I just to do something about this massive void in my life….