I am being constantly torn by contradictions and mutually exclusive drives.

The last six years with Cassidy were impossibly difficult. If you would have asked me the day before she died, I would have told you that ‘happily married’ was an oxymoron. It seemed the two words were mutually exclusive. I truly love Cassidy, and I don’t regret marrying her, but for the past six years there has not been any real relationship. Cassidy was a shell of a person, and that shell was filled with sorrow and misery.

With the difficulties in the marriage, and exhausting myself just struggling to keep my family together, I am a bit jaded towards relationships. Right now it feels like the risks of a relationship far outweighs the potential benefits. But this is where the contradiction comes in.

I miss being with a woman. There are, of course, plenty of women I can talk to, but because the women around me are all married, there is a necessary guard and barrier which bars any type of emotional intimacy (and thank goodness for that). So functionally, there are no women I could have a barrier-free connection with. And I miss that.

The obvious answer to my conundrum would be to start dating. Not for a relationship, just to associate with women. But I worry that wouldn’t be fair to women who are dating with the opposite objective I would have. But this is all moot, because I have absolutely no illusions about my dating prospects. I have the sex appeal of a tree stump. But there is another drive in all this.

There are a lot of little things I miss. Hugs. Being touched. Cold feet on my legs when I get into bed. Hearing singing in the shower. The simple sounds and smells. I am conflicted because I want all those little things, but I don’t really want a relationship again. I don’t know if my desire for a relationship will ever change. Time can do some powerful things.

Sexually, I have found that by acknowledging the drive exists, not forcing it down, but redirecting the energy into other pursuits has been effective. This has proven so far to be positive as it allows me to not have my judgement clouded.

For the time being, I will be trying to embrace being a widower, recognize that dating is not a puddle I can step into without either embarrassing myself or drowning, and just let myself miss the things I miss about being with a woman. I will steel myself and embrace solitude. After all, solitude is the one thing which has eluded me for years now.