This time my title is only partially clickbait. I have not seen a ghost, nor had strange paranormal experiences, but I am being haunted. That being said, this post is quite graphic, so use discretion (Emry, don’t read this one). I need to write this to get my thoughts out, but I strongly recommend nobody read it.

Over the past 52 days since Cassidy died, I have struggled to identify what it means to be ok. Most days I am now getting at least 5 hours of sleep, I am eating everyday, and I am able to focus on my work and produce quality output. Weekends have been difficult because I spent them cleaning out Cassidy’s things. But most of that is past, and I have started to feel ok. Until today.

Today has been really hard, but for totally different reasons than before. Starting last night, I have been seeing Cassidy’s dead body in my mind. Over and over. You may need a little context for this to make sense, so allow me to tell you a little about what the past six years have been like for me.

Cassidy has had continual suicidal ideation and gestures for years. She also has a long history of self-harm. Cutting herself with razor blades was her typical modus operandi. She talked about suicide so much that I spent a lot of time trying to find ways to prevent it. I threw away all her razor blades (though she always managed to still have one somehow), I knew the lethal doses for all of her medications and made sure we never had that much in the house, I tried to limit her access to anything else overtly lethal, etc. Despite my efforts, she managed a mild suicide attempt about every two weeks, and a major attempt a few times per year. Every year. For six years. One of the Psychiatrists working with Cassidy told me “if someone really wants to kill themselves, there isn’t anything anyone can do to prevent it.”

Because of her continual threat of suicide and propensity to cut herself, going into the master bedroom, or opening the bathroom door was always really stressful for me. I always had to prepare myself mentally for the potential of a grisly scene on the other side of the door. I had to do this every single time I opened a door to a room where Cassidy was. That wore me down psychologically and really took a toll on my physical health.

Back to today. I am being haunted by these images again. As I prepare to walk into the master bedroom I again see Cassidy lying there in a pool of blood. As I was waking up this morning, I imagined her corpse in bed next to me (that got me out of bed pretty quick). As I walk into the bathroom I imagine her blood everywhere. These aren’t hallucinations, I am not actually seeing anything, it’s just a vivid memory or imagination. But they are quite unsettling.

Aside from reliving the things that I actually saw, I also have descriptions of what happened, despite my not having seen it. I have read the police report from Cassidy’s suicide. In there the detective describes seeing brain tissue on her face and around her head. The general condition of Cassidy’s head was quite poor. I didn’t see it, but reading the report caused me to visualize it. So at random points during the day today I get an immediate and unsolicited image of brain tissue on Cassidy’s face.

So I am being haunted by memories. Haunted by horrors I had to prepare myself to see. Haunted by the trauma of six years of spending every moment of everyday preparing to see my wife dead. Haunted by actually seeing it. I don’t know how to get these images to leave. I don’t know why they decided to come today. I hope they dissipate. For right now, I am definitely not ok.