Those who know me well know that I love the Bible. In particular, I love the Old Testament. I bring this up only because my brother, when talking to me about eventually dating again, quoted Genesis 2:18, which states in part that “It is not good that man should be alone…” I understand that principle. In fact, this statement by God is what justifies Adam’s response after the fall, where he explains that Eve had eaten the forbidden fruit, and to not be alone, Adam ate it, too. If it is not good that man should be alone, then Adam remaining alone in Eden after Eve fell would be, by definition, bad. So Adam chose the greater good. So I understand the value in companionship.

Unfortunately, my experience with relationships is better described by Proverbs 21:19, which reads: “It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” The parallel between the two verses is interesting. If you consider Eden as a form of wilderness (in Hebrew the word is בְּאֶֽרֶץ־, which means land, place, or desert. In this context it isn’t a wild place, just alone in a land or place, so Eden meets this definition) then the value in staying alone in Eden, or not being alone and embracing a mate is contingent upon the emotional stability of the potential companion.

So here we again see what is becoming a theme in my experience: I am torn between two mutually exclusive directives. I have spent some time lately reflecting on these two paths. As I contemplate a new relationship, first off, I feel rather dirty for doing so, which I take as an indication that I am not ready for that step regardless. But I am terrified of the process of finding someone, and the huge risks taken in inviting them into my life. While I can, kind of, see some benefits, I mostly see embarrassment, struggle, and emotional trauma just for the privilege of being stuck with someone who may turn out to be insane.

On the other hand, by dwelling in the wilderness alone, I see myself doing the things that I want to do. For most of my adult life I have spent the vast majority of my time doing things I didn’t want to be doing. I always had to meet someone else’s needs, and had demands imposed on my time. I would like to be able to choose how I spend my time, at least for a while.

Next week marks two months since Cassidy died. According to the available literature, the average widower starts dating again two months after their wife died. That seems impossibly fast for me, but I need to sort through this issue because I suspect people are going to start pushing me to date again in the coming months, and I need to be prepared for that. I guess to summarize, I know eventually seeking a new relationship is the right thing to do. But I really, really, don’t want it to be.