I spent some time at the cemetery after my last post. I enjoy going there because it is peaceful, beautiful, and calm. I don’t feel Cassidy there anymore. I don’t feel hardly anything there. It is just a place I can go to be alone outside, play my guitar, and think.

I thought about the conversation I had been having with the woman from the dating site. They were fun and engaging conversations, but because she lives out of state, there was no risk of escalation. Then I ran into a woman I had met briefly about a year ago. My youngest daughter and I had attended her baptism into our church. We talked with her briefly, and that was that. I saw her in church each Sunday but really thought nothing of it. She eventually stopped coming to church and that was that. Until I ran into her again. Surprisingly, we both remembered each other. Almost without thinking, I asked her to dinner so we could catch up. So, yeah, I went on a date last week.

As I have read the sparse academic literature available for widowers one thing that comes up often is how difficult the first date after losing your wife is. Most widowers describe feelings of guilt, feeling like they are cheating, or other negative emotions. I didn’t feel any of that. It was just good conversation and good company over dinner. One weird thing is that because she attended my church for a while, she had actually met Cassidy. Those parts of the conversation were a little surreal.

Dating felt quite natural, and didn’t bother me as much as I feared it would. One thing I realized on the date was that I had no obligation to stay. If things got hard, or strange things happened, or she turned out to be crazy, I could just leave and have no obligations. With Cassidy’s mental health conditions, I felt very trapped. I had an obligation to stay no matter how crazy things got. Not feeling trapped was refreshing.

My only real concern is people’s reactions to my dating. Despite the average point at which widowers start dating being two months post spousal death, and my being past that point, I worry some people may not understand or may judge the situation harshly.

I feel like I am moving at an appropriate pace for my situation. I am just a little uncomfortable as I take my next step, and that is a good thing. So far, my progress has been positive. I do still think about Cassidy often. I wonder what she is doing, and how she is doing. I miss the good times we had. and I miss the potential for good times again. Nobody can replace Cassidy, and I wouldn’t want anyone to try.