Widowers Web

An Uncensored Journal

#2 The First Sunday

May 8th, 2022. Mother’s Day.

My daughter got a ride to church with another family who graciously took her under their wing to support her. An act of service which is ongoing and one for which I am eternally grateful. This made it so that I drove to Church alone.

As I was walking into the building, one of the cherry trees near the door was in full bloom. As I walked under it, I ‘heard’ Cassidy singing the Primary song ‘I Feel my Savior’s Love’. I don’t know how to describe what I experienced. It wasn’t hearing it with my ears, it was just me understanding that she was singing it.

For those who knew Cassidy well, you know how big of a deal this was. One of Cassidy’s conditions caused auditory hallucinations, which said horrible things to her. She believed these voices to be God and Jesus, so in life, she claimed to believe that God and Jesus were the bad guys. I say ‘claimed’ because she had a strange dichotomy in her attitude towards Deity. When she was at her lowest, she expressed only hatred and anger towards Them. But in the moments of calm, she would speak of them reverently and with faith. I suspect her vitriol towards them was merely a defense mechanism against the things she heard. Either way, hearing her sing of feeling her Savior’s love was a tender mercy I will cherish forever. This is the reason I Feel my Savior’s Love was the opening song at her funeral.

This Sunday it had only been four days since Cassidy died. I was desperately looking for something normal to do, so I insisted on teaching Gospel Doctrine, my regular calling. I don’t know if it was a good lesson, but it felt good to teach, if for no other reason, to get my mind off of the image of Cassidy dead on the floor.

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One response to “#2 The First Sunday”

  1. Christensen Debbie-Jeff Avatar
    Christensen Debbie-Jeff

    I don’t remember how I stumbled onto your blog, but Debbie & I were both shocked and saddened by Cassidy’s untimely death. We learned about it from her sister Shelby’s Facebook post.

    We’ll never forget the night the two of them stayed with us at our home in Colorado while they were en route to the West Coast somewhere. They only caught us by a few weeks since we moved to Hawaii less than a month after their visit.

    It was great to meet Shelby and to see Cassidy again, though we could tell she was really suffering–passing out with no notice, shouting with raised hands for seemingly no reason, and often talking incoherently. She asked me to give her a blessing the following morning but almost had a change of heart when I told her my white shirts were all at the cleaners. I don’t remember what I said during that blessing, but I hope it brought her some comfort.

    I do remember she spoke fondly of you, wondering through her tears why you stayed with someone so broken (her words). She longed to be well and to not be a burden to you, but at the same time seemed resigned to a life of poor health and other challenges.

    I appreciate reading about your experiences and having our questions answered–questions we didn’t dare ask. As someone who didn’t marry until his mid-30s, I feel your frustration sexually. I remember thinking as I struggled to find a mate all those years that maybe sex wasn’t my lot in life. I feel for Tave, too, and am sorry she never knew the Cassidy we knew. We always enjoyed our associations with the two of you, and pray that you’ll continue to find comfort and peace as you adjust to your new normal.

    Sincerely,
    Jeff (and Debbie) Christensen

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