I have recently reflected on my experience with dating in the months since Cassidy passed away. There are a few considerable differences from dating when I was younger. First of all, dating while young was often just for fun and was a way to learn what attributes you like or dislike in a person. Dating while middle-aged is very, very different. We all know exactly what we want and don’t want and there is a laser focus on marriage. In the open on the first date the primary course of conversational inquiry relates to spousal compatibility. In my case, I had a literal list of spousal compatibility.

As I was preparing to date again, I took a moment to reflect on what I was looking for and created a list of attributes for a potential spouse. This list was based on my past experience with marriage and the difficulties I faced in it. My list includes must-haves, nice to haves, and deal breakers. Each woman I dated was compared to my list.

One thing that has to be understood is that everyone who is in their 40’s and single has baggage. You don’t end up single at 40 without having issues. So any expectations of a baggage-free relationship must be dispelled right from the start. Especially since I have my own baggage, too. The controlling paradigm, then, isn’t to require that a partner be baggage-free, but rather baggage-compatible. To determine this, I ask myself three questions.

The first question is “what do I want in a partner that she does not have?” The second question is “what does she have that I do not want in a partner?” The last question is “what am I waiting for?”

There is a woman I have been dating for several months now. At first I dated her while still dating other people, but quickly realized that I didn’t like splitting my focus or minimizing the time I had to spend with her, so I asked her to be my girlfriend and date me exclusively. She agreed. As far as my list goes, she possesses every item on my must haves, and every item on my nice to haves, and does not have any deal breakers. She is perfect for me. That doesn’t mean there are no concerns or things that need to be considered, but it means that the issues are relatively small and her approach to mitigating conflict mirrors mine, so issues can be worked through amicably. Thus the first two questions are answered.

The third question may seem a bit odd. When young people contemplate marriage they may decide to wait until they finish college, get a job, or reach some other substantive milestone. The question for me, then, is what am I waiting for? My girlfriend has everything I want, nothing I don’t want, and none of my deal-breakers. What, specifically, am I waiting for before moving the relationship forward. I have discussed the situation with my daughters and have their blessing. I have prayed about it and feel good about it. So I guess the waiting is over. I had a ring custom made, and plan to propose in the near future.

I’m excited, and terrified beyond belief. I am acting on faith that marriage won’t be as bad this time around. I so desperately hope that. So, yeah. That’s where I am right now. A place I never expected to be, especially so soon. But I don’t see what waiting longer would accomplish, so I take my step of faith into the darkness of my own fears and pray God is looking out for me.